


Also Known as Soixante-neuf

by sqbr



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Mass Effect: Citadel, Science, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-09 18:36:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/776686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sqbr/pseuds/sqbr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam explains it, later.</p><p>Rejigged from <a href="http://masseffectkink.livejournal.com/6066.html?thread=27641010#t27641010">this kink meme prompt</a>, though of course being written by me means it has a lot more awkward flailing and humour than kink. Spoilers for Mass Effect 3: Citadel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Also Known as Soixante-neuf

"It's a sex...thing," said Traynor. She gestured with her hands in an entirely unhelpful way and Tali tilted her head in confusion.

"A sex thing?" What did numbers have to do with sex? "Is there...some sort of list?"

"Um. Probably," said Traynor "but that's not...that's not what the number refers to. It's, uh..." 

"So what does it refer to?" asked Tali. She could tell that Traynor was getting embarrassed, but she was curious now, and anyway there was something adorable about the way embarrassment made Traynor flail, especially when she was this drunk. Not that Tali was exactly sober herself. "You did promise to explain, it's important for us aliens to understand human culture, you know." 

"Oh, are we discussing human culture?" asked Samara, passing by the couch Tali and Traynor were lounging in. "May I join you?"

Traynor gave a groan and covered her eyes. "Sure, why not."

"Analyst Traynor is telling me all about the sexual connotations of the number 69," said Tali, helpfully. "Jack made a comment I found confusing and she offered to explain it to me."

"Oh!" said Samara, her serene expression briefly flickering with surprise and then amusement. " I was not aware of any such connotations. Please do enlighten us." 

Traynor gave another deep sigh then grimaced with the sort of bleak smile you might see on a soldier facing a firing squad. 

"Ok then," she said. "Fine." She sat up and looked them both in the eye, one by one. "Let's start from the beginning. You both you know how humans reproduce, yes?"

"I am aware of the general principles," said Samara. 

"I think it's similar to us quarians," said Tali. "Only without as many anti-virals." Speaking of which she was really starting to feel the effects of everything she'd eaten. But she'd worry about that later, when Traynor wasn't being as amusing. 

"Right. Well, usually," said Traynor. "Sometimes people have illnesses and...anyway. The point is, all humans have...reproductive parts. That we use for sex."

"As do most species," said Samara. "It is hard to reproduce without them."

"Exactly! But sometimes humans want to have the...fun of sex without the...reproductive part."

Hadn't she just said that reproductive parts were what _defined_ sex? Tali squinted at Traynor. "But then...how is it sex?"

"Because it's fun!"

"So you consider all fun to be sex?" Tali stared at Traynor in surprise and tried to take this knowledge in stride. The two of them had had "fun" playing chess, did that count as sex? Did that mean they were...dating? The thought was...unexpected, but not entirely unpleasant. And if they _were_ dating there were some other kinds of fun Tali might be interested in...

Wait, what was she thinking? She shook her head to clear the inappropriate thoughts away. Traynor didn't see her that way. This was all some misunderstanding brought on by too much alcohol. 

"No!" said Traynor "No, I just meant..." She flopped back onto the couch in frustration and banged her head against one of Shepard's many bookcases. "Argh!"

Jack looked up from across the room at the sound of Traynor's frustrated cry. "What's the matter?" she laughed. "Your calculator stop putting out?" Tali could hear a male voice sniggering from nearby. 

"You!" said Traynor, pointing an accusing finger. "This is all your fault! _You_ explain what 69 is to these poor aliens."

Samara and Tali looked over to Jack expectantly.

Jack leaned over the back of her chair to face them and tilted her head thoughtfully. "Well, let me see...it's...three times...twenty three, right?" Traynor attempted an intimidating glower and Jack snickered. 

Jack stood up on her knees then held up her hands in front of her. Vega's head appeared as he sat up to watch the show, he looked like he'd been half asleep but now he was watching Jack like a conscientious schoolboy.

Jack took a moment to preen now that she was the focus of everyone in the room. Her voice took on a lecturing air. "Ok ladies, pay attention. See this?" She held her fingers straight up then bent her thumb and first finger into a circle. "This is a person. Looks kind of like a six, right?"

"Yes, I suppose it does. Although it doesn't look much like a human," said Samara "Perhaps a volus..."

"Yeah, whatever, I didn't make it up. Anyway, here's another little 6." She held up her other hand, then banged the two together. "Now look, they're kissing, aww! And now they're fucking, haha!" She made some obscene grunting noises as the two finger people rubbed up against each other. 

"Aw yeah!" whooped Vega. "Watch the little numbers go!"

"And then...." Jack tilted one hand upside down, "Sixty nine!" 

"Ohhhh," said Tali and Samara simultaneously.

"Got it?" asked Jack. "Or do you need a further demonstration?"

"No, that will be sufficient," said Samara. 

"Definitely," said Tali. 

"I could do with another demonstration..." said Vega. Jack slapped him affectionately. 

"...thanks," said Traynor. "That was very...clear."

"It's cool," said Jack. "It's the looks on their little faces that make teaching worth while, you know?"

She stretched out her arms and fingers, then yawned. "Anyway, I gotta go hit the hay. Getting too old to stay up explaining math all night."

"I may rest as well," said Samara. "But thank you for the conversation, it was most illuminating."

Jack jumped off her chair and angled towards Samara as the two of them walked away. "So you asari don't have a name for 69? I thought you guys invented weird sex like a million years ago." 

"Oh, it has a name," said Samara. "But not, as far as I am aware, a number."

Half a minute later Vega gave a loud groan and then jumped up off the couch with unexpected vigour. "Yeah I should sleep as well. Night ladies," he said with a salute like wave and then swung left towards one of the bedrooms. 

Tali and Traynor sat in silence for a little while once the others had gone. Shepard was down on the ground floor somewhere cleaning up and the music had been turned off. It really was time to go, but Tali couldn't quite bring herself to leave.

"I'm...sorry if I embarrassed you before," said Tali. "I shouldn't have kept bugging you once I realised you were feeling uncomfortable." 

"Nooooo, it's fine," said Traynor, her head lolling backwards and her eyes closed. "Probably should have just offered to show you."

Tali coughed in surprise.

"I mean...with my fingers!" said Traynor. Tali giggled and Traynor groaned. "I mean..."

"You could show me lots of ways," she said, feeling bold. 

Traynor lifted her head and stared at her but of course Tali's helmet gave away nothing. 

"Waaaaaiiiit....are you...flirting with me?" asked Traynor. "Sorry to ask, but I'm not very good at judging at the best of times, and right now you're drunk and I'm an alien so...I mean...um. Yeah."

"...yeah," said Tali, barely managing not to squeak. "Um. Maybe. If you don't mind." Traynor really was _very_ pretty. Not to mention clever and charming and really nice. And if Tali got shot down in flames, well, Traynor might not even remember in the morning. 

Traynor sat up and gave Tali an adorable lopsided smile. "Mind? Why would I...why do you think I started the element guessing game in the first place? That's, like...classic nerd flirtation. Next step I offer to play chess in your quarters, and then I, uh...I hadn't figured out the step after that. But it was going to be really sexy."

"I'm sure," said Tali, looking at her fingers self consciously. "Everything you do is sexy."

"Really?" said Traynor in happy surprise. "Even...even when I'm drunkenly awkward about numbers?"

" _Especially_ then."

"Well then," said Traynor, leaning forward with a flirtatious smile, "let me tell you about the _perfect_ numbers..."


End file.
